Please enjoy…
Remodeling Project
This is one of those church jokes that goes into the “oops” category.
Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was:
“This is the Gate of Heaven.”
Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign that read:
“Use Other Entrance.”
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I will preach about lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark, Chapter 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon.”
Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
“Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
“When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon
bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his
walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites.”
“Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his
mother asked.
“Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it.”
A blonde got into heaven, and when she arrived at the Golden Gates, she was asked one question: “What is God’s name?” She replied, “Andy.”
“Andy? Why Andy?”, she was asked.
She replied, “Oh, you know, ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.’
Once a painter bid a job on a church…He got the job, and then realized he had underbid. He decided to thin the paint with water, but after the first rain HALF of the Paint washed off. The pastor called him to come and see about it. When he got there, he went in and prayed for a solution…
When he Got up a Booming Voice said…
REPAINT !!!!!
AND THIN NO MORE !!!”
A new pastor was doing his rounds visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it was evident that someone was within but no one answered his repeated knocks. Eventually he wrote on the back of a calling card: ‘Revelation 3:20’ and stuck it to the door.
The following Sunday he was surprised to find his card in the offering plate. Below his writing was scrawled: ‘Genesis 3:10.’
He reached for his Bible and thereafter broke into gales of laughter.
***
Revelation 3:20 – “Behold, I stand at the door and knock…”
Genesis 3:10 – “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked…”
One day a Pastor and a Brother took a Visitor fishing on boat.
Once in the Middle of the lake, the Pastor said” I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back” and to the visitors amazement stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards the shore.
When he had returned, the Brother said
“I need to use the restroom, be right back”
Again the visitor watched in amazement. Once the Brother returned, not wanting to be outdone, the visitor said ” I need to use the restroom too”
As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sank.
The Pastor nudged the Brother and said “We should have told him where the rocks were”
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The preacher has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent
hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand.”
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like to
find a place in hell please STAND UP!”
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!”
One minister says that it doesn’t bother him at all if his members look at their watches during his sermons. It does affect him, however, when someone not only looks at his watch, but also holds it up to his ear to see if it’s still running